Dear diary,
I haven't blogged in such a long time. I blame it on the social media now. With Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, Tumblr etc all around, no one really care about blogging anymore. And I am taking advantage of that! I have alot on my mind recently and I cant reaally find something/someone/somewhere to let it all out. Ive talked to one of my good friends about it but I know I cant always talk to her about the same thing and plus she is not available all the time..Whatever..But honestly after that talk i did feel somehow..better.
Ive been having insomnia lately..Been rolling on the bed for freaking three hours but still cant go to sleep. I know my schedule is messed up but I have been trying to fix it but somehow its just soooooo hard..
Whenever i close my eyes and try to enter my lala land, something just pops up in my mind and i just start thinking and thinking hence using more brain power which leads to....not able to sleeeep
Sad life huh
yeeeeep!
There just have been tooo much going on in my head. and i fail to control it
Sighhhhh
This year has been crazyy! My college life has been crazyy!
basically everything is just starting to fall apart and swirling down the drain..
i did bad in my past semester mainly my fault for not trying hard enough and playing too much
i wanted to have fun and now i know that i cant have fun and have good grades at the same time! i am just not those geniuses that can have the best of both worlds. i just have to suck it up and accept it. Life is never fair.
With that going on, i still have to deal with freaking dramas.
ughhhhh why do i always make myself end up in the awkwardest/worst situation ever!
idk whats wrong with me...
freshmen year has been crazy i swear i have not had so much drama in my life since i moved to the states.
ughhhh friendship is so fragile sometimes...human beings are so shallow..
the dramas that happened this past year have seriously stressed me out so much.
i am so glad its over..at least i think it is..
idk why but why does everyone always put the blame on me?
am i really a trouble maker or something? am i really that hard to trust? do i really have a big mouth?
i used to struggle alot thinking bout these..
why do they say that about me? why do they spread this about me? why? why? why?
i just somehow always end up making things worse....
sighhhh
until i told my best friend this break about some of the dramas that happened and what she said kinda just woke me up...
she was like "woah so much drama...what happened? Jane you never get involved in any sort of drama..what the fuck! this is giving me a headache"
LOL i laughed first but then i was thinking shes right! throughout my entire high school life i try to be the one that never get involved in any sort of drama! i love watching dramas while eating popcorn but definitely dont like being in it thats why i stay out of it! i used to be the most chill person in the whole wide world and i didnt give a fuck about anything besides the things i cared about! and i realized ever since i went to college i changed! i start to make friends and i start to care and eventually i care too much and hence get involved in fucking dramas.
Im lost! literally...i dont know what i want..
And the sad part is im starting to lose myself..
well ive never really known who i am but i know im always contradicting myself just to satisfy people around me..ive always put other people before me..and im still in the midst of finding my own self my identity
i have been a chameleon all along just adapting to everyone and everything around me
and i think im done
i seriously dont know whether this is right but for now..im just gonna stop caring about all those dramas and just be myself my own self and not give a fuck.. life would be so much better and i would be stress free!
my life is kinda boring and i used to enjoy being alone
i still do now but i know deep down inside i am the kind of person that needs to have friends
okay i know im rambling and the stuff im typing prolly doesnt even make sense but whatever im just expressing my feelings out so suck it if my thoughts are choppy!
okay continue..
lol honestly idk why im so weirded out by him being with her
its seriously non of my business but meeehh
and im being a bitch being kinda upset because we are not as close as how we used to be anymore
i know i know when someone starts dating/having a thing with someone
that someone is all they can think about
but meeeh seriously he feels like a stranger now..
we dont talk as often and whenever we text its awkward and i hate awkwardnesss!!
meeeeeeh! i just dont like the fact that hes like a stranger noww..
its soooo weird!! we were such bros before the break
ughhhh why cant people just balance friends and girlfriends...
whatever
i know i just have to suck it up and continue to live my own life!
im just still upset that im losing this close friend..
ughhhhh why does this always happen to me...
all my close friends are leaving meeee
ughhhh :/
but for now...im just gonna try my best to find myself and just be myself
i know i dont have a distinct character but
please god i dont want myself to change my character just to satisfy someone else anymore
it always ends up bad sooo im not gonna take that risk anymore
lol
hmmmmmmmm
wow i seriously typed all this at 6 am in the morning of Jan 1 2013?
wow i seriously need to get a life lol
aighht! since its a new year im gonna start a new chapter of my life
start fresh! a new me! hopefully a better me!
Love, xoxo.
